In The Year 2017…

Raleigh Magazine foresees the future

We never told anyone, but nearly two years ago, in a dusty discarded box, in the corner of the Raleigh Magazine office attic, we came across a list that made no sense at all. At the very top, it said something about a “President-Elect Trump”. Assuming we’d stumbled across the ravings of a madman, we nearly threw away the document; but, as the past year unfolded, our eyes opened to what we had discovered. We searched the files to see what else these prophetic sheets offered.

Though we are loath to mess up the space-time continuum, we felt we could no longer keep it to ourselves. So, buy some milk and eggs and buckle up, because we’re in for some crazy times…

  • After winning the World Series, Cubs fans face the terrifying reality that the “goat curse” was actually a warning. The Cubs victory opened the first seal of the apocalypse leading to locusts, famine, death and, in many people’s minds, the results of the 2016 elections. “Totally worth it,” says every Cubs fan.
  • Calls to 911 from children caring for their moms spike after millions of women watch “Bad Moms” on video release and think, “Yes, that is a good idea.”
  • Hundreds of NPR, CNN and MSNBC staff members are shocked to realize how much they miss covering the Trump campaign. They become loyal fans of NASCAR, WWE and Monster Truck rallies, but attend the events in complete disguise.
  • Frustrated by the growing traffic in the Triangle, an NC State engineering graduate invents the first flying car. However, adding further injury to North Carolina’s economy, Adams learns that there was inexplicably a “no flying cars provision” hidden in HB2.
  • Speaking of HB2, after retiring from the White House, Michelle and Barack Obama buy a vacation home in Duck, NC. Frustration mounts quickly as he learns that unless he can produce his birth certificate, he’ll be unable to use any North Carolina bathrooms.
  • For the 10th anniversary of providing free local concerts at North Hills Mall, John Kane presents the city with the “Artists who banned North Carolina” series. Originally, the line-up consisted of impersonators of famous artists who cancelled shows to show disdain for a controversial law, but when that law is overturned, Maroon 5, Pearl Jam and Bruce Springsteen reward their fans’ patience by performing the free concerts themselves.
  • After the Cubs World Series Victory, hoverboards and Biff being elected president, more parallels to Back to the Future 2 come to light including dehydrated pizza and robot dog walkers. Because of the accuracies, the Back to the Future movie franchise becomes part of standard middle school curriculum.
  • Fighting an intense surge in immigration, Canada decides they must build a wall on their Southern border. They make the United States pay for it.

Top 5 Trump Predictions

  • During Donald Trump’s Inauguration Speech, Kanye West jumps on stage and grabs the microphone saying, “Hold up, hold up! I’m gonna let you finish, but there’s a woman that should be standing up here right now.” As the cameras flash to a startled Hillary Clinton in the audience, he finishes. “Beyonce! Where you at? I wrote in Beyonce and my vote counts more than any of y’alls!”
  • The Washington Monument is covered top to bottom in reflective gold plating. President Trump unveils the completed project at his first State of the Union proclaiming it the “Classiest monument in the world”.
  • C-Span enjoys record-breaking ratings as President Trump incorporates an “Apprentice”- like feel to cabinet meetings complete with dramatic music and proclaiming to one member each month, “You’re fired.”
  • Eschewing tradition, Donald Trump pardons a cow at Thanksgiving and urges everyone to eat Trump Steaks.
  • In an unprecedented marketing move to re-open the White House to the public: Buy three nights at the Trump Hotel on the National Mall, get one free night in the Lincoln Bedroom.

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