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“We’ve met.” Easily two of the most offensive words, exhibiting a lack of situational awareness (or poor memory). But from the barroom to the boardroom—and every room in between—people navigating uncomfortable run-ins with acquaintances they don’t remember meeting prior provokes the terse retort.
We’ve all been there. You’re hosting a holiday get-together and reintroduce yourself to a friend’s mom. Or you’re at a work cocktail party littered with glam-garbed-guests—all but rendering them unrecognizable from their typical 9-to-5 persona. Trying to make nice—and uncertain if you’ve met—you extend your hand, careful not to utter the words “nice to meet you” just in case.
In both “meets” you’re confronted with a curt “we’ve met!” Now the temperature of the polite greeting has shifted less, well, polite. In what feels like social suicide, both parties are offended: you, mortified; them, feeling unmemorable; and both, likely humiliated.
So how do you recover with grace? For starters, don’t dwell on it, says local certified professional leadership and executive coach Wende Gaikema. Don’t get defensive or feel shame, either. Instead, let it go and focus on what’s in front of you.
“People forget things all the time,” she says. “There’s no need to flagellate yourself. But no one wants to feel like they haven’t been seen.” So assume positive intent—that “we’ve met” is a gentle reminder. “Don’t stew in the awkwardness,” she adds. “Move into a question and show genuine interest.”
Essentially, kick the elephant out of the room. The more you dwell on it, the bigger it gets. Don’t apologize; don’t disagree—and, if you really don’t remember, don’t let on. It will make them feel more unseen—and apologies should be reserved for actual wrongdoing. Instead of “I’m sorry” or going down a rabbit hole of remembering (“where/when/how did we meet?!”), play it safe and shift to positive and genuine, suggests Gaikema.
“Everyone likes to talk about themselves,” she notes, so lean in by investing in who they are. “Ask about their connection to the occasion/host, how they feel about the event/speaker, upcoming plans, or how they’ve been since you last saw each other.” And while Gaikema doesn’t recommend an apology, an excuse can break the tension. “‘Oh, that’s right! It’s been so long!’ Or, depending on how you roll, making fun of yourself for levity.
What it really boils down to is none of us is that important. While you may worry everyone is focused on what you say or what you wear and so on, no one is worried about you but you. Life is moving fast—for all of us. Everyone is busy. It’s just better to not expect people to remember us.
It’s not personal, says Gaikema. “We talk to ourselves so much harsher than we talk to someone else,” she adds, nodding to what you may tell a friend flogging themself for a trivial lapse. “It can happen to anyone. Some people are just going to be offended no matter what you say or do.”
But the goal from the jump was and remains kindness and connection. So practice self-compassion and save the shame spiral for the group chat.
What not to say or do:
· Be defensive, offended or frustrated
· “When/where/how?”
· “I’m sorry.”
· “I’ve never met you.”
· “No, we haven’t.”
· “I don’t remember.”
What to say or do instead:
· Be warm, humble and open
· “Thank you for reminding me.”
· “Oh, that’s right!”
· “Good to see you again.”
· “It’s been awhile!”
· “It’s a different setting—I didn’t make the connection.”
· “Everyone looks so different all dressed up.”
· “Such a crazy day!”
· “What’s been going on with you since then?”
Greeting people you may have met before:
· “Nice/great to see you!”
Pro tip:
In a social win for everyone, prime your partners, pals and colleagues that if you run into someone and you don’t immediately introduce them, they should assume you don’t know the person and take the initiative to introduce themselves.
