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Hit It and Quit It
Blatantly defying the law in the company car? Guilty! Problematic queen and public servant—er, menace?—NC Auditor Beth Wood elected to not face the consequences of her own actions when she banged up a parked vehicle after downing two glasses of wine before blasting away in a state-issued car, thus amassing about $11,000 in fees for repairs to both vehicles. Not to mention the receipts show Wood was (allegedly) whipping her professionally issued ride to not-so-professional appointments—read: Blue Water Spa. Sorry, our NC auditor can’t come to the phone right now… she’s getting a Hydrafacial! Now, big shocker: She’s resigning from the position in December. Call it a dishonorable discharge?
Cars for Clout
Like with most fads (see: dance moves, skincare products, etc.), it all started on TikTok. After the self-dubbed “Kia Boyz” teens posted instructional videos on how to break into cars using the likes of a USB cable (really), a string of car thefts left Raleighites wondering, “Dude, where’s my car?” The social media challenge got so bad that Hyundai and Kia—the models specifically targeted in the Toks—agreed to a $200 million class-action lawsuit settlement in May. Grand Theft Auto, meet TikTok-crazed teens.
U-Haul Ass
A Garner man went all OJ Simpson a la his infamous 90-minute police pursuit when he led coppers on a 20-mile chase in a U-Haul after fleeing from a hit and run. The trail ended when the U-Haul driver ran a red light and crashed into a truck pulling a trailer, after which he tried to hit and run again before getting detained. Pro tip for the felon: Next time you try to pull a police chase, maybe choose a faster car.
So Garbage
Splish splash, your driving is trash. Curbing the Tuesday morning commute, a dump truck driver was ticketed for wrecking havoc and littering the road with trash at the I-40 Gorman Street exchange and closing traffic in both directions. We can think of better ways to get wasted.
Grin and Bear Arms?
Brace yourself. It looks like a local orthodontics office might’ve lost one too many wisdom teeth when it decided to collab with Youngsville Gun Club & Range to provide free weapons with its Invisalign treatments. Pretty sure all the people want is their free toothbrush and a sticker, but whatever. Getting to, ahem, the root of the promotion of violence and good dental hygiene: Qualifying customers can pick between a Silver membership at the Youngsville Gun Club & Range or a complimentary Glock 19, a pistol with a retail value shooting upward of $500. … No cap.
That’s Going to Leave a Mark
Uh, oh… the girls are fighting! Former White House Chief of Staff and U.S. Rep. Mark Meadows was charged alongside his former “special friend,” President Trump, with racketeering in connection to their attempt to overthrow the 2020 election. Performing the ultimate bestie betrayal, Meadows agreed to testify against Trump in exchange for immunity, thus leading our former prez to throw out some nasty nicknames—such as “weakling,” “coward” and the like. We hate to see a friend breakup… 💔
Hot Mess
Skating Raleigh into the sin bin for the Stadium Series, apparently no one thought of traffic control, as vehicles were at a standstill for hours in front of the game—making for plenty of national attention and internet fodder, with one fan @’ing officials: “Been in traffic line for 2 hours. Not an end in sight. No cops directing traffic. Just an absolute shit show. You should be ashamed of yourselves. @Canes @RaleighGov @NHL fucking embarrassment.” Talk about missing the big shot.
Emu Escapades
Paging Dr. Dolittle! In this episode of animals outof control, a long-legged emu, dubbed Kevin, was spotted taking himself for a little stroll—hot girl walk?—along U.S. 64 this summer before being apprehended by Chatham County Animal Control. The bird on the lam comes behind a string of emu disturbances across the state last year. … Stay tuned for more emu-sing news in 2024?
A Rocky Horror
You know those dreams where you forget to wear pants to school? This is kind of like that. … After being closed for about a year, the beloved Rialto theater reopened over the summer under new ownership, but frontman Hayes Permar forgot to hire staff for the big reopening. Oops. Luckily, his pals came together to save the day. Wonder if they got paid in popcorn or…?
High Stalks
Guess who’s back, back again! After lighting up our list last year by committing arson, our ex-Raleigh City Council wannabe, Zainab Baloch, has once again snagged a spot on our list, this time for stalking. Keeping up with all our crazy exes, the previous political hopeful stalked a man by going to his house, following him to a police station (smart!) and literally ramming into his car. While she was unsuccessful in obtaining a spot in our local government, Baloch sure knows how to behave like a
public official! 🔥
Bad Religion
When Hozier said “take me to church,” we don’t think this is what he meant. … “Illegal adult entertainment business” G-Loft—which was operating out of a former church near The Ritz—was busted by ALE special agents in April, resulting in seven arrests on 18 criminal charges, including five felonies. Sins—er, charges—included possessing, selling and consuming alcohol without ABC permits—NTM attempting to dodge taxes (!) and maintaining a place for the use/sale of illicit drugs. Think it’s safe to say God would not be thrilled.
Small Dink Energy
We see you left your ball (table) at home! A group of NC State students have caused quite the ~racket~ with their landlord after amassing a ~$23,000 fee for refusing to remove their “all-purpose” beer pong table from the premises. Citing the table as “garbage,” the shady squire went as far as paying someone to remove the controversial piece of furniture under the dark of night. While the issue is being, ahem, tabled (translation: they ain’t payin’), one thing is for certain—their security deposit is a goner.
Do What in Durham?!
“Do it on a rooftop. Do it all alone… or in a crowd. Do it quietly… or loud and proud.” Nope, not snippets from a lingerie ad or a male ED commercial—but from Discover Durham’s recently launched Do It in Durham ad campaign. To be fair, the “innovative and unconventional” slogan definitely got people talking. So… worth every bit of that $180,000+ price tag—and inevitable snickers every “do it off the beaten path” or “do it with friends” promotion will garner?
Blacked Out
This just in: NC State athletics cannot catch a break. Wolfpack Nation blacked out at this season’s home opener when the $15 million scoreboard shorted out due to a lightning strike on the day of its grand debut (#embarrassing). The chances of being hit by lightning are low, but NC State continues to elude the odds—except when it comes to making it to the playoffs. Say it with us… Cardiac Pack!
Please Stop Talking
Sports figures are notorious for flubs, so why should the Triangle’s finest be any different? In 2023, they again teach a master class on why you should think before you speak, while reminding us why they should stick to exercising muscles other than their mouths…
X Not learning his lesson about rivalries in 2022, UNC QB Drake Maye doubled down in 2023 by taking a shot at NC State: “I didn’t want to miss out on the home state… growing up in Carolina, you’re gonna be a Carolina fan. Some people may say State, but really people who go to State just can’t get into Carolina…” As one Twitter (X) reply simply stated in response: “Carolina arrogance.” Classic. Looks like UNC might need to add a course in humility? Your move, Maye.
X Meanwhile, now wrestling his reputation, new UNC wrestling coach Rob Koll is under fire for his pervy statement suggesting the Chapel Hill uni only profiles “pretty” girls for admission: “It’s 60% women for God’s sake and 95% of them are attractive. It’s just a really neat little campus for young 18-to-22-year-old men. I mean, good Lord! Why would you not want to go here?” Um, ew. Did we learn nothing from the U.S. gymnastics scandal?
X Not to be left out, fueled by unexpectedly holding that Tiger in the Textile Bowl, NCSU football coach Dave Doeren rips ex-Panthers standout Steve Smith: “This ain’t a basketball school, he can kiss my ass” in response to Smitty’s spicy comment earlier that day on ESPN College GameDay that NC State was waiting for basketball to start … The internet: “Ice up, Steve.”
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