Dropped Acorns

Judgment Day is upon us—our annual roast of our top (bottom?) “did they seriously do that” moments. Like the Oscars for best blunders—from flubs and faux pas to shocking lapses in judgment and questionable decisions to just straight screwups—it’s the most wonderful time of the year indeed. And this year’s lot of losers do not disappoint. O come all ye thirsty, cause we’re about to put on a show.

That’s Going To Leave a Mark
In case any local trivia orgs need some updated U.S. history Q’s, we’ve brainstormed some ideas: Which wanna-be NC gov allegedly described Martin Luther King Jr. in racially offensive terms? Which NC lieutenant gov told women to keep their skirts down in reference to reproductive health care? Who allegedly referred to himself as a “Black Nazi” on a porn site? What politician tagged a public Facebook post about parenting #haveyourdeadbeatsspayedandneutered? The answer to all of them: Mark Robinson—NC’s big mouthed politician and overall national embarrassment. Way to represent the Old North State, Markie.

Glen-Wood Avenue
You know what they say—if you don’t want your mugshot on the news, don’t whip it out on Glenwood Avenue. Special Deputy Attorney General Torrey Dixon was charged with public indecency and intoxication after (allegedly) exposing himself on the corner of Blue Ridge Road and Glenwood while yelling obscenities—including threats—at bypassers. The scandalous, ahem, outburst apparently came after Dixon was denied entry to the Men Wear Pink Fashion Show at Crabtree because he “appeared intoxicated.” Clearly not the best exposure… if you’re picking up what we’re putting down. 

Storm’s Brewing
Where were you Jan. 6, 2021? If the answer was storming the U.S. Capitol… you may need to rethink, well, everything. So it goes for Cary man James Tate Grant, who was among a crew of five in the first drizzle of rioters who approached and attacked Capitol police officers with a sea of deadly or dangerous weapons. Culminating in a perfect storm, all five men were found guilty for their actions and convicted of civil disorder. Justice served.

Kentucky Not-So-Gentlemen
Thanks to cancel culture, elected officials can’t even get belligerently drunk at a bourbon tasting and vomit in a distillery sink anymore… smh. According to an anonymous Reddit user, a group of NC lobbyists and lawmakers got a little too lit at a bourbon-tasting event in Kentucky and proceeded to engage in disorderly conduct—never mind not tipping their bartenders. When asked, an NC Republican Party spokesman said it wasn’t a “state GOP event.” You heard it here first—if it doesn’t happen in-state, it doesn’t actually count. 

Cast Away
Alexa, play “Damaged” by Danity Kane. The eighth NC Chinese Lantern Festival was washed away—literally—after strong storms caused the fan-fave 200-foot 18,000-pound dragon lantern to sink into the Koka Booth Amphitheatre lake like our very own Nessie, forcing the fest to shutter a few days early. So loose lips sink ships—and apparently torrential rains sink dragons.

Tequila Me Crazy
The Grinch did indeed succeed in stealing Christmas last year—and he hit us where it hurts (read: 19,000 bottles of stolen tequila). Keeping holiday spirits—and booze supplies—low, only eight of the stolen skids of Hacienda Chactun Tequila were located post-heist… but had to be dumped like a lump of coal due to a chain of custody issues. It’s giving real-life We’re the Millers with liquor in lieu of weed. And we’re willing to bet the squad of Scrooges—er, tequila thieves—are feeling #NoRagrets about their Christmastime crime. 

Sticky Sitch
When Gucci Mane said “A man can get lost in the sauce,” we’re pretty sure this is not what he meant. A tractor trailer carrying 38,000 pounds of steak sauce overturned on I-440 near Wade Avenue, causing traffic to get, well, bottlenecked as crews struggled to wash away the teriyaki marinade and clear the leftover bottles from the road. Fortunately, the saucy situation was unclogged before anyone with a spare filet caught wind of it. 

Twilight’s Last Gleaming 
NC was feeling charitable (?) this year. An outpouring of love and support (read: cold hard cash) was donated to those who needed it most—aka a group of UNC frat brothers, natch. “Good samaritans” raised $500K+ to “throw a rager” for multiple fraternities after they protected an American flag during a campus protest and were hailed as “American heroes” in boat shoes. It’s not clear where the entirety of the half-mill went, but it’s safe to assume Zyn and Vineyard Vines got their fair share. 

Out of Bounds
It’s called disrespect—look it up. In a heated match, NCSU bball god—er, guard D.J. Horne—extended State’s infamy of “givin’ ’em the business” when he flashed both middle fingers, resulting in a figurative wrist slap (but no suspension) by the ACC in a mired matchup the Pack clawed back to win while racking up six collective fouls and a Keatts ejection. Consider this game’s flick off the charts. 

The Lizard of Oz
Toto, I don’t think we’re in Florida anymore. … Spotted this spring on a self-guided tour of the Cap City, a 5-foot iguana was commandeered by Raleigh Police, marking the second iguana incident of 2024. It’s giving reptile dysfunction—and we’re here for it.

Cup Gate
In a fit you’d be more likely to find on a preschool playground, grown-ass tyrant—er, Panthers owner David Tepper—was caught on viral video throwing a “Tepper tantrum” when he chucked a cup toward some jibing Jacksonville fans… and then ran. One of the few completed passes of the 2023–24 season, the moment of utter  inTeptitude (s/o Charlotte sports writer Scott Fowler) drew the ire of fed-up fans for its big dictator energy. Failing still to use his words, Tepper basically said “sorry not sorry,” blaming the fans for being mean to him, then managed to avoid suspension and draw a mere $300K for the assault. Translation: $3 to a person with a net worth of ~$200K. … Stay classy, Tepp.

In the Dumps
Talk about a major dump. In April, a commercial dump truck hit and knocked down a sign on I-440 near the Hillsborough Street exit, leaving both directions of the highway, ahem, backed up for almost an hour. The clog-up came after the truck’s raised bed caused it to clip the metal structure, which just goes to show you should always squat before you go.