by Melissa Howsam | Dec 2, 2024 | Buzz, December 2024/January 2025
How to recover when you introduce yourself—again.
“We’ve met.” Easily two of the most offensive words, exhibiting a lack of situational awareness (or poor memory). But from the barroom to the boardroom—and every room in between—people navigating uncomfortable run-ins with acquaintances they don’t remember meeting prior provokes the terse retort.
We’ve all been there. You’re hosting a holiday get-together and reintroduce yourself to a friend’s mom. Or you’re at a work cocktail party littered with glam-garbed-guests—all but rendering them unrecognizable from their typical 9-to-5 persona. Trying to make nice—and uncertain if you’ve met—you extend your hand, careful not to utter the words “nice to meet you” just in case.
In both “meets” you’re confronted with a curt “we’ve met!” Now the temperature of the polite greeting has shifted less, well, polite. In what feels like social suicide, both parties are offended: you, mortified; them, feeling unmemorable; and both, likely humiliated.
So how do you recover with grace? For starters, don’t dwell on it, says local certified professional leadership and executive coach Wende Gaikema. Don’t get defensive or feel shame, either. Instead, let it go and focus on what’s in front of you.
“People forget things all the time,” she says. “There’s no need to flagellate yourself. But no one wants to feel like they haven’t been seen.” So assume positive intent—that “we’ve met” is a gentle reminder. “Don’t stew in the awkwardness,” she adds. “Move into a question and show genuine interest.”
Essentially, kick the elephant out of the room. The more you dwell on it, the bigger it gets. Don’t apologize; don’t disagree—and, if you really don’t remember, don’t let on. It will make them feel more unseen—and apologies should be reserved for actual wrongdoing. Instead of “I’m sorry” or going down a rabbit hole of remembering (“where/when/how did we meet?!”), play it safe and shift to positive and genuine, suggests Gaikema.
“Everyone likes to talk about themselves,” she notes, so lean in by investing in who they are. “Ask about their connection to the occasion/host, how they feel about the event/speaker, upcoming plans, or how they’ve been since you last saw each other.” And while Gaikema doesn’t recommend an apology, an excuse can break the tension. “‘Oh, that’s right! It’s been so long!’ Or, depending on how you roll, making fun of yourself for levity.
What it really boils down to is none of us is that important. While you may worry everyone is focused on what you say or what you wear and so on, no one is worried about you but you. Life is moving fast—for all of us. Everyone is busy. It’s just better to not expect people to remember us.
It’s not personal, says Gaikema. “We talk to ourselves so much harsher than we talk to someone else,” she adds, nodding to what you may tell a friend flogging themself for a trivial lapse. “It can happen to anyone. Some people are just going to be offended no matter what you say or do.”
But the goal from the jump was and remains kindness and connection. So practice self-compassion and save the shame spiral for the group chat.
What not to say or do:
· Be defensive, offended or frustrated
· “When/where/how?”
· “I’m sorry.”
· “I’ve never met you.”
· “No, we haven’t.”
· “I don’t remember.”
What to say or do instead:
· Be warm, humble and open
· “Thank you for reminding me.”
· “Oh, that’s right!”
· “Good to see you again.”
· “It’s been awhile!”
· “It’s a different setting—I didn’t
make the connection.”
· “Everyone looks so different all
dressed up.”
· “Such a crazy day!”
· “What’s been going on with you
since then?”
Greeting people you may have met before:
· “Nice/great to see you!”
Pro tip:
In a social win for everyone, prime your partners, pals and colleagues that if you run into someone and you don’t immediately introduce them, they should assume you don’t know the person and take the initiative to introduce themselves.
by Melissa Howsam | May 29, 2024 | Buzz, June 2024
Apparently asking people what they do is awkward, intrusive and rude.
Hot take: There is no better way to kill a conversation from the jump than by asking someone what they do for a living. We know—it’s the age-old default Q, from happy hour to the Little League bleachers and beyond. So for a question so quick on everyone’s lips to break the ice, exactly when did it jump the shark? And why?
I personally first saw the tide shift at a DTR bar prepandemic when I (regretfully) kicked off a convo by asking a potential suitor what he does. After popping off and calling me rude… let’s just say we didn’t get married. But only recently has that omen of a befuddling convo started to crop up in headlines.
Apparently, the inquiry is considered awkward, intrusive and rude. Awkward because people don’t want to explain their jobs (we see you, Chandler Bing). Understandable. But invasive? When did what you do for a living became likened to asking about age or weight? At some point, people’s career passions become something they compartmentalize and find convo about presumptuous—if not
downright disrespectful.
But it hasn’t always been that way. Most of our moms, dads or grandads (even maybe grandmas—yay feminism!)—if not some of us—likely find chatter about their daily grind affirming, an indication of not only who they are, but what makes them successful. Maybe especially women in some cases who, fun fact, couldn’t independently own a home, have a credit card or choose to leave her husband without his permission (um, what?) until the ’70s.
So, our social experiment easily finds a gender and generational divide on this topic. Boomers, elder X’ers and many women find questions about what they do as not only taking a genuine vested interest in who they are, but what they’ve achieved.
“On the topic of asking about my job, as a working mom, I love when people ask,” said one Raleighite we spoke to. “I love to work; I like to work; hard and I like to solve challenging problems. I want to be in a position for others to hear that, especially coming from a younger female leader with a husband that has a career and with busy kiddos at home.”
But you can likely chalk up the mindset shift to one or two cultural shifts. Beyond ambition, there’s work-life balance—which pervades all generations via now-inundating technology that blurs the lines between the clear boundaries of work and home of yore. Sure, no one misses fax machines, and the advent of email was so efficient—until we found we truly could not separate the end of the workday with, well, the end of the workday.
That possible burnout—and the conflation of work and self as one persona (read: I am not my job)—was a major indicator we found in our research and polling, especially as “work” tasks and experiences have crept into so many facets of our nonworking hours. A stark harbinger in a capitalistic culture that arguably applauds ambition and success above all else.
Basically, the question is just loaded—from implications about net (and social) worth to common ground to, well, “it can seem kinda judgey,” said another Raleighite. “I don’t think ‘offended’ is the right word for me, but I do think it’s a cheap question. There are so many more interesting things to ask someone other than what they do for work. At best, it’s small talk that could lead to more insight about a person, but, at worst, it’s a social measuring stick.”
Perhaps Brad Pitt (er, author Chuck Palahniuk) prophesied it best in Fight Club: “You are not your job. You’re not how much money you have in the bank. You’re not the car you drive. You’re not the contents of your wallet. You’re not your f*cking khakis. You’re the all-singing,
all- dancing crap of the world.”
So, final take: Maybe skip the “what do you do” question—since it’s likely the most boring (or controversial) nonstarter. Besides maybe the weather.
What to ask instead of “what do you do?”
❓How long have you lived in Raleigh?
❓What do you do for fun?
❓Something you’re looking forward to?
❓Local cause you support?
❓Favorite emoji?
❓Last thing you saw or heard that you forwarded, to someone?
